LOVE IS HARD

This week felt like a failure. But I will learn from my failures.
I gave the best of me. Best sometimes isn't good enough.

what is success (?)

Why do we lead lives that are defined by how successful we are?
Like money, it's like we need to be successful to be happy.
It drives people (including me) crazy sometimes. Stress, melancholy, and disappointment when one does not succeed.

K and I have different sentiments towards success. After a brief discussion though, I observed that we both feel the pressure from society. Even from our Chinese backgrounds there was the pressure or the desire to care for your parents when they are grey and old and you are capable. However, K does not feel like he needs to be successful to be happy in life. He only wants to be successful to care for his father, which is very noble.

I think success is different from doing well. It all depends on how you interpret the two in your mind. For me, success may feel like a standard set by society. Doing well to me is based on my personal standards, albeit may influenced by societal standards as well.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.
But thinking that is being naive.

reading minds

K asked me the other day what I think about when I'm walking down the street.
After he asked that question, I realized that 80% of the time, I am not aware of my thoughts as I stroll or charge through the streets of Toronto. Upon reflection, I realized I'm a visual person. My eyes are always glancing at something, be it the sun's glare upon a window, or people's shoes. I see detail when I'm walking. What I see then translates into what I think about. "I like the details on her boots", or "The sun is nice", or "This reminds me of the time..."

My nose is also very sensitive. There are smells everywhere, especially on Toronto streets. It's unfortunate that most smell reactions are to not so pleasant smells like garbage and the sewage pipes. Some of my favourite smells though, has to be the smell of fresh rain and the smell of freshly baked bread. I love the smell of Chinatown bakeries.

Sometimes, I like to observe people. I try to guess what they are thinking, where they are going, what they're going to eat for lunch (I'm joking). Early in the day when I'm walking to work, I often wonder what people's occupations are, and where their destinations are. I don't know why I contemplate about such things. I really don't.

I'm like a complex statement. I know I'm a city girl, but there are many city things I cannot tolerate. Smokers, traffic, noise, slow pedestrians, garbage, pigeons.............
I wonder if the things I enjoy about city life outweigh the things I dislike. I think the answer is 70% yes.

These are the little things that K brings to my life. He questions the things I do, my logic (which I know is terribly flawed at times), and is straightforward about things with me. It may have hurt my feelings once or twice, but I realize that I do the same at times. Apparently, there's only yes and no, and right or wrong in my world.

He understands my mind and now I have to learn his. What a task.

Nuit Blanche | Oct.3.09



I didn't really take many photos.

exhausted but happy

I really don't know where the days are going. I've been working for 6 weeks now, but it feels like I just started last week. It also feels like I've done so much the last few weeks.
I've embraced the city for what it offers and I'll take what I can get, because before I know it, I'm going to be back in Waterloo nerding.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and spending some time with some special people!

I also think I'm going to get an asthma attack from this wretched heater of mine...I turned it on and white smoke started spewing. That can't be good.