Happy Love Day

Seems like this whole weekend has been full of Valentine's Day celebrations or something. No wonder it's called Single Awareness Day because I felt like I was drowning in a sea of couples. Never mind that. This weekend was pleasant enough and I had a pleasant time having lunch at my childhood nanny's on Saturday, followed by some shopping with my sister before the violin concert...which turned out to be a bust. I wanted to leave after the first song after the intermission. There was no cohesion in the program and it was mixed with some contemporary/interpretative and latin dance. It was just odd all around. Sunday, I went to the Science Museum with my mom and sister to this 3D art exhibition. Yeah I know, art exhibit at the science museum. It was pretty fun but crowded. The picture below is my version of the Mona Lisa. I gave her eyebrows, bangs, a better smile, and some jewelery. Unfortunately, I ran out of ink. :( Afterwards, I had a somewhat awkward dinner with some distant family members but got to see my cousin from Denver that I haven't seen in a while!

Today proved to be quite enjoyable. As my mom and I were heading out to the MRT, I was walking a bit ahead and when I turned around, my mom was on the floor! Turns out she had slipped on some canine excrement...yes dog poo. It was pretty hilarious. Luckily, it didn't get on her clothes but I giggled all the way to the MRT station. Did some more shopping with my mom and her friend in the afternoon before dinner surrounded by couples couples couples.

This being Valentine's Day and all, I got to thinking (as I always do) about love and marriage. There still seems to be an imbalance in Taiwan between the sexes. During Chinese New Year, it's still customary to celebrate the main dinner with the male's side of the family. The day the woman goes back to her home is the second day after the New Year. I understand that this is tradition, but it just seems unfair for the woman that she always has to go to the in-laws before her own.

Then, I got to thinking about Chinese marriages. I've been to two Chinese weddings here and some receptions. There are also lots of wedding receptions are large banquet restaurants that I've dined at. The most recent one was quite fancy and seemed to have over 200 guests. However, it seemed that a large portion of the guests are friends of parents and not directly friends of the bride and groom. It's customary for the parents to invite their friends to their children's wedding receptions...and I'm not sure why. I made it clear today to my parents that if I do happen to get married in Taiwan, they can only invite their friends that I'm familiar with. I'm still quite far from this whole marriage business but it's important to have this sort of forethought.

Anyhow, taking my cousin's little kiddies out tomorrow so I should sleep now if I'm going to have enough energy for all their pent up energy haha.

P.S. no Chinese in this post. Got too lazy to translate some of my important phrases.
P.P.S. Listening to Far East Movement's album right now is making me want to party -__- I don't lead that sort of life here in Taipei.

I left my heart in San Francisco

The Bay Bridge

Road to Sonoma 

Sunset beach...surfer boys 

This trip really opened my eyes. I've stayed in one place for too long and I know I desire a change - a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of culture, a change of environment. Although I was only in San Francisco for 4 days, I feel like I was able to explore so many places. The city itself was similar to Vancouver, but on a larger scale. If I move my life there, it will be closer to the lifestyle I miss in Vancouver, yet with the cultural and distinct urban environment that I'm looking for. I really hope the next chapter of my life will be in San Francisco. 

nuttin' much, nuttin' new

Just Miami...is all. I miss the beach, the sun, the warmth, the ocean. The crash of the waves, the salt water in my eyes and nose, the taste of S on my lips...I'll pause there.
Back to work I go.

letters of love

IMMORTAL BELOVED
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

- Ludwig van Beethoven

Who would've thought someone named Ludwig and sometimes a bit mad could write such poetic love letters. I love the last three lines...
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

should I stay or should I go?

Winter has finally hit. It was inhumanely cold over the weekend and it's supposed to continue for the next few days. I'm glad I'd be able to escape a bit of the bitter winter in two weeks when I head home for the Olympics!

I was in Toronto again this past weekend to relax and unwind a bit. I left with the feeling that I didn't really accomplish what I wanted to though. My main reason for going to Toronto was to watch Carmen, the opera by Bizet. The plan was to get rush tickets at 11am of the showing, so I arrive at the Four Seasons Centre about a quarter after 11. Unfortunately, they didn't have any more $20 tickets left...only $160 tickets in Ring 2. If I had wanted to buy expensive tickets, I would've bought them beforehand! I woke up "early" (we stayed out late the night prior) and walked in the bitter cold to get unattainable tickets. On the bright side, the morning walk in the cold really woke me up, and the sunshine was really pleasant as well. It gave me a nice chance to reflect and think like I often did in the fall term when I frequented walks along University Avenue.

On the other hand, I was productive in meeting up with people. I lunched with my old boss and coworker on Friday and had a great time catching up with them. Then, after some work, I met up with K for a chat and a browse-through of Winners. We still have a lot to talk about and it's great that we're able to be friends.

I had my fair share of eating out this weekend too. Winterlicious at Midi Bistro, which faired about 3 out of 5 for food and 4 out of 5 for atmosphere. Late night, sobering up McDonald's is the way to go! A delicious breakfast at 1pm accompanied by the hot waiter at Eggsmart the next day = top notch. Then a meal of ribs at Baton Rouge with D was pretty pleasant, but I'd rather fatty ribs. Next morning, sleep-deprived and hungry, went to Liberty Village for some brunch. It's a good thing I didn't go shopping, because I spent all my money on food! I'm heading back for Winterlicious at Tundra Friday...and the meal there is a little pricier as well.

I guess right now, I'm pretty happy with my life. School hasn't been too exciting, but I'm muddling through. The only thing on my mind right now should be studying for my test tomorrow...but I don't even feel stressed about it.
I just want to clarify things with D before I invest too much feeling.

Anyway, happy February everyone. It's going to be a short month. I can't wait for the summer...I really want warmer temperatures!

let's get a move on...

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

-- Wendell Berry

I've been struggling with some emotional baggage for the past month or so. Time is the best cure-all for heart break. A method I tend to use is to visualize the person at their worst. I know it may seem crude and mean, but it really does work to an extent. This weekend, I did something I'm not so proud of, which shall not be stated (yes let your mind wonder). I put myself at risk of more emotional stress but I took a chance because I needed to be certain of what I was feeling. The results were mixed. However now I feel more in control of my emotions than ever because I heard what I needed to hear and I felt what I needed to feel to know that he is a thing of the past. The past defines us, and as much as we want to run away from what has happened, we learn from the good and bad. I added something to my past by revisiting it, and walked away with some very positive emotions laced with a tinge of guilt that I see as being worthwhile.

I'm sorry I'm being vague, but what I'm trying to say is that you can always learn from your past, improve yourself, and move on.


I'm listening to: Someday My Prince Will Come - Dave Brubeck

LOVE IS HARD

This week felt like a failure. But I will learn from my failures.
I gave the best of me. Best sometimes isn't good enough.

reading minds

K asked me the other day what I think about when I'm walking down the street.
After he asked that question, I realized that 80% of the time, I am not aware of my thoughts as I stroll or charge through the streets of Toronto. Upon reflection, I realized I'm a visual person. My eyes are always glancing at something, be it the sun's glare upon a window, or people's shoes. I see detail when I'm walking. What I see then translates into what I think about. "I like the details on her boots", or "The sun is nice", or "This reminds me of the time..."

My nose is also very sensitive. There are smells everywhere, especially on Toronto streets. It's unfortunate that most smell reactions are to not so pleasant smells like garbage and the sewage pipes. Some of my favourite smells though, has to be the smell of fresh rain and the smell of freshly baked bread. I love the smell of Chinatown bakeries.

Sometimes, I like to observe people. I try to guess what they are thinking, where they are going, what they're going to eat for lunch (I'm joking). Early in the day when I'm walking to work, I often wonder what people's occupations are, and where their destinations are. I don't know why I contemplate about such things. I really don't.

I'm like a complex statement. I know I'm a city girl, but there are many city things I cannot tolerate. Smokers, traffic, noise, slow pedestrians, garbage, pigeons.............
I wonder if the things I enjoy about city life outweigh the things I dislike. I think the answer is 70% yes.

These are the little things that K brings to my life. He questions the things I do, my logic (which I know is terribly flawed at times), and is straightforward about things with me. It may have hurt my feelings once or twice, but I realize that I do the same at times. Apparently, there's only yes and no, and right or wrong in my world.

He understands my mind and now I have to learn his. What a task.

Nuit Blanche | Oct.3.09



I didn't really take many photos.

my favourite time of the day

The transition from dusk till night.
Lights are flickering with a hint of orange in the horizon.
I glance outside and a star is suddenly visible in the city lights.

----

This week went by very fast. I don't even remember what I did at work, but it was a constant stream of things to do. I got to leave the office a few times to do research and attend an open house. It's nice getting out of the office. For the first time, I descended 46 floors of stairs. 20 stairs per floor x 46 floors = 920 stairs. It was for a fire drill at my building. My legs felt like jello after. I woke up today with the sorest calves.

Other than work, life has been good. I finished reading The Catcher in the Rye this week during my lunch hours.
A cute bundle of daisies also sit on my desk. I was thoroughly happy and slightly embarrassed yesterday. I will miss the flowers this weekend. Hopefully they don't die on me too soon.

I'm really happy that I'm discovering new things, and getting to know someone different from my usual group of friends. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm ready for a new challenge.

Anyway, I've wasted this week not working on my research proposal for Oxford. Tomorrow, I'm hitting the library!

P.S. I'm addicted to Melody Gardot. I've been listening to it every other night.

statements left unsaid

to say that I know you is an understatement.
to say that I love you is an overstatement.
to say that I will miss you is the right statement.

genuinely happy

I've often wondered what it takes to make me happy and I've reached one conclusion.
When things in life turn out peachy for me, I'm usually at my happiest.
When things don't go so well, i.e. school, work, boy stress, I don't really register my mood as happy.
However, having some bumps along the way helps lower my expectations, and when things turn out alright after the speed bumps, I receive a huge emotional boost.

The last month and a bit has been emotionally stressful for me. It might because I had too much time to think, but it's really been a while since I've been through a tough time in my life. School wasn't the main stressor, but the job and boy were the mains.

With the job, the lesson I took from the whole debacle was patience. I also realized the importance of going with the flow. It's important to take matters into your own hands, but sometimes there are circumstances that you cannot control. Wanting to control everything not only stressed me out, but it also affected my performance as a viable candidate during interviews and messed with my self confidence.

In the boy department, I went through things I've never been through before. I'm not as experienced as you'd think in love. I don't think I've truly experienced love with another, at least never a lasting experience. To fall in and out of love as quickly as I did...I don't think that would constitute as love. I still feel clueless about love, but I know what I'm looking for now, and I still think I need time to just cleanse out certain feelings so I can focus on my future relationships. There's always going to be an inkling of "what if" in the back of my mind, but there's nothing I can do about that now, is there.

Right now though, after the whirlwind past few days, I feel genuinely happy.
Happy to have great friends who care about me and want to help me.
Happy to have met someone new who I enjoy spending time with.
Happy to be home and enjoying the beauty of the west coast.
Happy to see some family soon!

xoxo

utterly bewitched and beguiled

I don't know what it is about Pride and Prejudice (the movie), but it brings me a feeling of awe and contentment everytime I watch it.
It's not all about the love stories for me, although I do love the love stories; it's about the witty and smart banter exchanged - whether it be blatant or polite. People don't converse in that way anymore, and I understand why we don't. Today's conversations just seem so vulgar in comparison.

Perhaps it is also because I'm feeling forlorn from recent events of the heart; and the soundtrack to this movie is so bloody beautiful - I sit senseless for a good few hours, as I am now.

Sometimes I wish we could just follow our hearts with no barriers...but life as we know it is a minefield.
The strings tugging at our hearts versus our minds that bind us to sense and logic is severely difficult to deal with. However, we must accept the realities we face and cut the strings.

i need time

Sometimes I wished my mind could just stop and think about what is only necessary.
I don't think I've ever been in this situation before but I know time is the best remedy for any form of sadness and heartbreak.
Personally, I think I might be in denial without knowing. I really did feel fine until today, being a 5th wheel, that I felt sad. It wasn't really about the loss of a person, but that I just haven't found the right person yet.

Timing really is everything.

happy love day

I guess it's my first v-day with somebody..ha.
Back in high school it was just a day where friends gave you rose grams because we were all single.
I did have a secret admirer once though...