an education

At times I feel like my life is at a standstill. I still find it strange that I am at home, and doing graduate school. Undergrad felt like a natural (or shall we say expected) choice but grad school was not expected and in a way, I feel inadequate to live up to the standards I set in my mind.

I keep going. Education is safe. The realities are talked about, debated, and critiqued. However well that prepares me for practice, I shall not know until I am there. So many times, people refer to the working life as "life in the real world" or "reality". Why should there be a gap between so-called reality and education? Why do we distance ourselves in a cocoon away from "reality"?

I find myself asking more and more questions. Perhaps less so about what is "reality", but questions about my choices, my morals and ethics, and my values. A lot of the times, it's about self-confidence and whether or not I can muster up the courage to do what I ought to do, or do what I want to do.

There just seems to be too much knowledge in this world. My life has been sheltered and I have been well-fed. I don't want to perceive myself to be atop of a pedestal and looking down at the world.

I may be incoherent or incapable of flow at this hour. I do know one thing, I will always value education. Education can be in so many forms. It should be accessible and not necessarily formal. I find myself thinking about what I should have been taught in elementary or high school instead of realizing such simple connections to subjects such as biology, chemistry, and social studies 10 years later. Maybe I should be a teacher.

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

- Nelson Mandela

feeling a bit serious

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "It is not length of life, but depth of life". We place such emphasis on longevity but I feel that how we live our lives and what we accomplish and represent is more important. Accomplishments may be a testament to our egos a friend once told me. I retorted that yes, accomplishments may boost our egos, but it is the underlying belief that your accomplishments will be for the greater good (at least for me it is). As for how we live our lives, I've been brought up with Chinese morals of family, honesty, and what it means to be a good person. For me, I think that would be my "depth of life". My sense of right and wrong are quite established, and it causes me to be quite judgmental of others, especially when they're doing things that are not within my definition of what is right.

I learned some sad news yesterday. A good friend of mine lost his mother to cancer. I wasn't able to focus or sleep well after he told me. I can't imagine what he's going through. This is why I've been thinking about life and death. I wish I had more words of comfort to provide him, but I realize that I'm not that great of a comforter, I'm more of a listener. I hope he knows that I'm here for him and that I love him, I always have. He told me to value my family and realize how lucky I am, and I know I'm so lucky. It is reminders like this that keep me grounded and appreciative of what I have, and share what I have.

let's get a move on...

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

-- Wendell Berry

I've been struggling with some emotional baggage for the past month or so. Time is the best cure-all for heart break. A method I tend to use is to visualize the person at their worst. I know it may seem crude and mean, but it really does work to an extent. This weekend, I did something I'm not so proud of, which shall not be stated (yes let your mind wonder). I put myself at risk of more emotional stress but I took a chance because I needed to be certain of what I was feeling. The results were mixed. However now I feel more in control of my emotions than ever because I heard what I needed to hear and I felt what I needed to feel to know that he is a thing of the past. The past defines us, and as much as we want to run away from what has happened, we learn from the good and bad. I added something to my past by revisiting it, and walked away with some very positive emotions laced with a tinge of guilt that I see as being worthwhile.

I'm sorry I'm being vague, but what I'm trying to say is that you can always learn from your past, improve yourself, and move on.


I'm listening to: Someday My Prince Will Come - Dave Brubeck