an education

At times I feel like my life is at a standstill. I still find it strange that I am at home, and doing graduate school. Undergrad felt like a natural (or shall we say expected) choice but grad school was not expected and in a way, I feel inadequate to live up to the standards I set in my mind.

I keep going. Education is safe. The realities are talked about, debated, and critiqued. However well that prepares me for practice, I shall not know until I am there. So many times, people refer to the working life as "life in the real world" or "reality". Why should there be a gap between so-called reality and education? Why do we distance ourselves in a cocoon away from "reality"?

I find myself asking more and more questions. Perhaps less so about what is "reality", but questions about my choices, my morals and ethics, and my values. A lot of the times, it's about self-confidence and whether or not I can muster up the courage to do what I ought to do, or do what I want to do.

There just seems to be too much knowledge in this world. My life has been sheltered and I have been well-fed. I don't want to perceive myself to be atop of a pedestal and looking down at the world.

I may be incoherent or incapable of flow at this hour. I do know one thing, I will always value education. Education can be in so many forms. It should be accessible and not necessarily formal. I find myself thinking about what I should have been taught in elementary or high school instead of realizing such simple connections to subjects such as biology, chemistry, and social studies 10 years later. Maybe I should be a teacher.

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

- Nelson Mandela

Moments

There are moments you wish would just pass by.
Moments you wish would slow down and stop.
Moments you wish you could relive.

I'm at a bittersweet moment. Should I stay or should I go? I want time to slow down, but I want to finish what I started.

Come December...life will be different. Not sure I'm ready for that Moment.
I've been through that Moment, and I'll have to go through it again.
This time, it feels a lot more intimidating.

I'll know when the time comes.

simple life

There is so much beauty in simplicity. Too often our lives are entangled in planning details and thinking about the future. Too often our lives are governed by logic and self-interest. I had the opportunity to reflect about the wonders of nature. The harmony of all this diversity is beyond incredible. The shape of a lion's snout, a simple yellow flower regarded as a "weed", the playful and nurturing character of a gorilla, a grassy field with a lone yet grand maple. I'm taken back to my days spent in Owen Sound. It was really a simple life. I was very much like the lone maple amidst a field of strangers. I was alone, inexperienced, and naive. I've been through a lot to get to where I am today, and I think that affords me the desire for simpler days.

After being in the City for a while now, I've been stuck with the mindset that the City, with all its conveniences and diverting aspects, is my preferred location. Now I think I've been prejudiced by the work I do. It's important to live and work by one's principles but I'm afraid I've been blinded by the flashing lights, glitz and glamour. Needless to say, working hard to attain one's goals is regarded as necessary by societal standards, and I believe in hard work and commitment. Although I feel quite certain of the path I wish to take, I can't help but wonder what could be. I'm at these crossroads again.

Strange how much a simple yellow flower or a lone maple tree can make me wonder. It was truly enriching to feel connected to nature again. A spark of hope has restored my confidence and feelings in myself.

random recaps

Le jazz
Jazz tunes wholly fill me up. I love all the different emotions coursing through my body when I'm in a jazz trance. From the slow ballad-like tunes to the upbeat Latin jazz or big band, I always feel so good afterwards. The music evokes certain words to my head, and I wonder if the composer thought of the same words. The pieces with lyrics exude real human experiences, usually love, be it forlorn or content.

Me
I've been feeling a little disconnected from myself. It took a lunch hour big band concert at Nathan Phillips to make me realize that. On my way home from work, I stopped by the stage again, and a great Latin jazz performance brought members of the crowd (mostly older) to their feet. Slightly swaying and toe-tapping, I felt like myself again.

Weekend
I felt restless all weekend (thanks to the G20). I couldn't read my book at my neighbourhood Starbucks (I wish it wasn't a chain). I wasn't able to roam freely around the city without seeing destruction, riot police, and the smell the vinegar. The events of this weekend made me very frustrated. I understand the right to peacefully protest and our freedom of speech in our democratic society. It is a privilege. The acts of vandalism is not a privilege, and it's unfortunate the perpetrators were not brought to justice. I'm just disappointed that the protests and all the arrests took up most of the media space.

Me again
My writing is a bit choppy today. I still haven't recovered from this writer's block. Working in an office really stifles one's creativity. The vocabulary I come across are often planning jargon - designation, provisions, compliance, flood plain, setbacks, permitted uses, etc. I feel as though I'm in this bubble, which is why the lunch hour and after work jazz sessions brought me back to life. Though I'm not writing as fluidly as I would like, I'm learning to write in bits and pieces, from one thought to the next. Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. Sometimes, the words just have to flow naturally, and often with a caffeinated drink. I'm hoping for some breezy, sunny weather so I can bring myself to a bench under a tree at UT and read and collect my thoughts alone.

superfluous

I don't need to close my eyes to take myself to another world, my future, ideal world. The reality of that future is achievable, but from my current situation, I feel years and years away from it. It's partly this idealism which drives me. I'm wary of my actions because too often I build up extravagant concoctions about what will happen and those expectations aren't always achieved. I need to learn to take things one step at a time, and not try to take leaps and bounds. I just know I can't turn out like my 40 year old roommate.

That's all.

rainy thoughts ☂

I grew up with rain, lots of rain. My relationship with rain however, has been in the gutters (pun intended) ever since I've moved to Ontario. I've left rain for snow and more sunshine. You know you're a Vancouverite when your winter attire consists of Columbia/GoreTex/MEC rain gear, and you go through at least three umbrellas every year.

Here in Southern Ontario, after a long weekend of beautiful weather, the rain has come to clean the air and the streets. As I walked towards Starbucks (where I sit now) a half hour ago, the after smell of freshness brought a calmness to me. I actually love being caught in the rain. The spontaneity of the summer/fall thunderstorms of Ontario, or the lack of preparedness on my part, leaves me soggy like cereal left in the milk too long. My thoughts upon the first fat raindrops on my head are negative. "Oh, how could I be so stupid and unlucky?!" As my soggy appearance materializes, I begin to accept my fate. I face the sky and open my mouth as if I were catching snowflakes. At this point, my mascara may be smudged, my hair stringy. I continue walking until I reach my destination, and continue on with my life.

In life, I get caught in the rain all the time. One can never really anticipate obstacles. I've learned to accept the rain, and walk on despite my appearance. You will eventually dry off, and start again.

Yes, these are my random ramblings on a Wednesday morning. I fill my head with these obvious metaphors from time to time. It's the only way to clear my head! I just need some self-vindication of how I feel and my decisions. I will enjoy the rain this week.

I hate it when I wake up in the morning feeling exactly as I did the night before. Waking up is supposed to be about starting anew. I have a tendency to think too much before I go to bed, and I have trouble falling asleep. I just want to switch off my brain sometimes, and not consider every single purpose, possibility, and probability.

Now, it's almost mid-afternoon, and I've stopped dwelling on those incessant thoughts of late nights/early mornings. I know what I have to focus on today, tomorrow, and the day after. I know I deserve better, and I'm certain things work out for the better. Sometimes I feel like I fit in with the tortured artist stereotype without the artistic abilities. I don't want to be sad or depressed. These emotions are complimentary to happiness. In order to be happy, one must also be sad.

Now, I shall focus on one thing: environmental clean-up liability. The paper will not write itself and I just have to sit through the day focusing on the Environmental Protection Act (hopefully I'll be an expert by the end of this), and review a few relevant cases.

Listening to: Jamie Cullum, Mixtape

a new year, new goals?

(photo taken at Nathan Phillips Square)

I usually don't make new year resolutions. I found it pointless to make goals at the beginning of the year. I'd rather make goals and resolutions as I go through life. 2010 for me though, feels different. Reflecting on 2009, I realized how much I had grown as a person. 2009 really was a wonderful year. Two co-op terms at great workplaces, both giving me extended knowledge of my field and a better understanding of what I would like to do in the future. My so-called "school" term - 3 weeks spent in the wonderful Dominican Republic - was pretty life changing. As an outsider looking in, I first regarded DR as a dangerous, poor nation. After spending 21 days travelling around the country, I was immersed in the local culture. It was nice not staying at the all inclusive resorts. I visited mines, dry river valleys, flood planes, salt lakes, beautiful beaches, climbed and jumped off waterfalls. I can't wait to go back.

This year will be my last year of school, and I really want to make everything worthwhile. Keep on top of schoolwork, be proactive. I finally understand what it means to be proactive. We learned of the concept in high school. I even attended a seminar on the 7 habits of highly effective teens (a self help book of sorts). It takes a lot of will and self motivation that's for sure. I'm going to my last co-op term a lot more seriously than my last 3. I'm going to start preparing for grad school applications, which includes studying for the GRE (*grumbles). In addition to academia, I would like to run a 10km race this year, and just be healthier and fitter in general. As for self improvement, I think I've learned to be a lot more flexible and laid back in the last couple of years. Things can't always go according to my plan, and I need to continue being flexible.

Thanks to all my friends who keep me in check and listen to my complaints and insecurities. I will try to behave this year haha.

Anyhow, going to take a nap. 8:30 class is never easy to wake up for, especially when I'm still on Vancouver time.

Music to my ears: 周華健-明天我要嫁給你
P.S. This is my 40th post!

Alegria - raison pour rester?

I've been thinking about my next summer work term and where I would like to work.
I know I really want to work back in Vancouver, or try applying to jobs in Asia again on my own.
But ever since I found out Alegria is going to Toronto next June for only FIVE days...I've been thinking that maybe I should stay in Toronto JUST so I could see the show.

I've never seen clips of the show. What I have heard is the SOUNDTRACK. Repeatedly, you will hear me obsess over soundtracks. I really think Soundtracks are such brilliant musical compositions.
GAH I really want to watch Alegria. Everyone else in my family watched it in Taiwan in January. Of course I couldn't be there to watch this show with them. They looooved the show. I loved OVO, but something tells me I'll love Alegria more.

This is like when I was deciding whether I should go to UBC or a school in Ontario. I was thinking that if I stayed home and went to UBC, I'd also get to be home during the OLYMPICS. But it's ok. Problem solved. I'm going home for reading week and watching Patrick Chan perform!

I know I'm going to choose the best work place for me over Alegria. But still...in the back of my mind it will rest.

let's get a move on...

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.

-- Wendell Berry

I've been struggling with some emotional baggage for the past month or so. Time is the best cure-all for heart break. A method I tend to use is to visualize the person at their worst. I know it may seem crude and mean, but it really does work to an extent. This weekend, I did something I'm not so proud of, which shall not be stated (yes let your mind wonder). I put myself at risk of more emotional stress but I took a chance because I needed to be certain of what I was feeling. The results were mixed. However now I feel more in control of my emotions than ever because I heard what I needed to hear and I felt what I needed to feel to know that he is a thing of the past. The past defines us, and as much as we want to run away from what has happened, we learn from the good and bad. I added something to my past by revisiting it, and walked away with some very positive emotions laced with a tinge of guilt that I see as being worthwhile.

I'm sorry I'm being vague, but what I'm trying to say is that you can always learn from your past, improve yourself, and move on.


I'm listening to: Someday My Prince Will Come - Dave Brubeck

busy yet rewarding

Just a bit less than a month left of work left. My boss left for her two-week vacation today to Hong Kong and with this application deadline next Monday, my phone was ringing a lot more than usual and my emails grew and grew. I worked 9 hours today. I've had longer days than that when I was at Kitchener because I helped out at public meetings. Those days were more like 12 hour days.
But today was especially busy...I just kept going and going. Not sure how my boss does it, but I know I don't want to be super attached to my career in the future. Many people seem to be defined by their careers, and I can see that happening now. Because more and more people are studying things they're interested in, their interests become their careers. It's great to be working on things you're interested in, but I need a line to be drawn somewhere! I feel like doing all this work is really worth it. I'm put in a situation where I'm sort of on my own and it feels nice to be in control of things. Yes, I like to be in control.

Despite all the tiredness, on my walk home, I encountered a cute little boy on Yonge Street. He was with his mother and younger brother and he turned to the officer and said, "Mr. Policeman, I have my guns too!" The police officer replied, "Ohh I'd better not see you with them!" The little boy seemed embarrassed and said, "OK. I promise".

It was an endearing moment. I wonder if the little boy will remember this moment in his life.

Ok, going to grab some yummy Thai food with Sherry before we get ready for a night out! I wish it were warmer!

what is success (?)

Why do we lead lives that are defined by how successful we are?
Like money, it's like we need to be successful to be happy.
It drives people (including me) crazy sometimes. Stress, melancholy, and disappointment when one does not succeed.

K and I have different sentiments towards success. After a brief discussion though, I observed that we both feel the pressure from society. Even from our Chinese backgrounds there was the pressure or the desire to care for your parents when they are grey and old and you are capable. However, K does not feel like he needs to be successful to be happy in life. He only wants to be successful to care for his father, which is very noble.

I think success is different from doing well. It all depends on how you interpret the two in your mind. For me, success may feel like a standard set by society. Doing well to me is based on my personal standards, albeit may influenced by societal standards as well.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.
But thinking that is being naive.

reading minds

K asked me the other day what I think about when I'm walking down the street.
After he asked that question, I realized that 80% of the time, I am not aware of my thoughts as I stroll or charge through the streets of Toronto. Upon reflection, I realized I'm a visual person. My eyes are always glancing at something, be it the sun's glare upon a window, or people's shoes. I see detail when I'm walking. What I see then translates into what I think about. "I like the details on her boots", or "The sun is nice", or "This reminds me of the time..."

My nose is also very sensitive. There are smells everywhere, especially on Toronto streets. It's unfortunate that most smell reactions are to not so pleasant smells like garbage and the sewage pipes. Some of my favourite smells though, has to be the smell of fresh rain and the smell of freshly baked bread. I love the smell of Chinatown bakeries.

Sometimes, I like to observe people. I try to guess what they are thinking, where they are going, what they're going to eat for lunch (I'm joking). Early in the day when I'm walking to work, I often wonder what people's occupations are, and where their destinations are. I don't know why I contemplate about such things. I really don't.

I'm like a complex statement. I know I'm a city girl, but there are many city things I cannot tolerate. Smokers, traffic, noise, slow pedestrians, garbage, pigeons.............
I wonder if the things I enjoy about city life outweigh the things I dislike. I think the answer is 70% yes.

These are the little things that K brings to my life. He questions the things I do, my logic (which I know is terribly flawed at times), and is straightforward about things with me. It may have hurt my feelings once or twice, but I realize that I do the same at times. Apparently, there's only yes and no, and right or wrong in my world.

He understands my mind and now I have to learn his. What a task.

Nuit Blanche | Oct.3.09



I didn't really take many photos.

my one and only thrill

I'm normally a 'safe' person. My 'most likely to [become]' in grade 7 was a SAFETY INSTRUCTOR. I play it safe yet I like seeking the thrill of a risk.

I played it safe in high school until I went off to university. It felt like a huge risk to me but I took it anyway for the thrill and for the sake of being different. To this day, I've never regretted my decision.

Another sort of thrill I seek seems to be the physical thrill. This doesn't happen very often but when it does, it's exhilarating. From the drop of a roller coaster to the feeling of another's hands on your body...physical thrills are great. The physical risks we take doesn't make logical sense to me, but it can feel so good. I surprise myself at times with each new risk I take and my mind is consumed for the next few days.

It's all part of the 'growing-up' process...taking these risks. But to what degree do the risks a person takes stop reflecting the person for who they are?

genuinely happy

I've often wondered what it takes to make me happy and I've reached one conclusion.
When things in life turn out peachy for me, I'm usually at my happiest.
When things don't go so well, i.e. school, work, boy stress, I don't really register my mood as happy.
However, having some bumps along the way helps lower my expectations, and when things turn out alright after the speed bumps, I receive a huge emotional boost.

The last month and a bit has been emotionally stressful for me. It might because I had too much time to think, but it's really been a while since I've been through a tough time in my life. School wasn't the main stressor, but the job and boy were the mains.

With the job, the lesson I took from the whole debacle was patience. I also realized the importance of going with the flow. It's important to take matters into your own hands, but sometimes there are circumstances that you cannot control. Wanting to control everything not only stressed me out, but it also affected my performance as a viable candidate during interviews and messed with my self confidence.

In the boy department, I went through things I've never been through before. I'm not as experienced as you'd think in love. I don't think I've truly experienced love with another, at least never a lasting experience. To fall in and out of love as quickly as I did...I don't think that would constitute as love. I still feel clueless about love, but I know what I'm looking for now, and I still think I need time to just cleanse out certain feelings so I can focus on my future relationships. There's always going to be an inkling of "what if" in the back of my mind, but there's nothing I can do about that now, is there.

Right now though, after the whirlwind past few days, I feel genuinely happy.
Happy to have great friends who care about me and want to help me.
Happy to have met someone new who I enjoy spending time with.
Happy to be home and enjoying the beauty of the west coast.
Happy to see some family soon!

xoxo