The mind works like this...

Deep within the corners of my mind
I keep a memory of your face
And I only pull it out when I long for your embrace

Deep within the corners of my mind
I’m haunted by your smile
As it promises me joys like a journey to a tropic isle
It’s not hard to see what you do to me
It’s like a page right out of fist time wave
Though I try to fight all the word you write
Leave me standing in the starry robe in some tragic lover's place

But deep within the corners of my mind
I’m praying secretly that eventually in time
There’ll be a place for you and me

That eventually in time
There’ll be a place for you and me

LOVE IS HARD

This week felt like a failure. But I will learn from my failures.
I gave the best of me. Best sometimes isn't good enough.

what is success (?)

Why do we lead lives that are defined by how successful we are?
Like money, it's like we need to be successful to be happy.
It drives people (including me) crazy sometimes. Stress, melancholy, and disappointment when one does not succeed.

K and I have different sentiments towards success. After a brief discussion though, I observed that we both feel the pressure from society. Even from our Chinese backgrounds there was the pressure or the desire to care for your parents when they are grey and old and you are capable. However, K does not feel like he needs to be successful to be happy in life. He only wants to be successful to care for his father, which is very noble.

I think success is different from doing well. It all depends on how you interpret the two in your mind. For me, success may feel like a standard set by society. Doing well to me is based on my personal standards, albeit may influenced by societal standards as well.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.
But thinking that is being naive.

reading minds

K asked me the other day what I think about when I'm walking down the street.
After he asked that question, I realized that 80% of the time, I am not aware of my thoughts as I stroll or charge through the streets of Toronto. Upon reflection, I realized I'm a visual person. My eyes are always glancing at something, be it the sun's glare upon a window, or people's shoes. I see detail when I'm walking. What I see then translates into what I think about. "I like the details on her boots", or "The sun is nice", or "This reminds me of the time..."

My nose is also very sensitive. There are smells everywhere, especially on Toronto streets. It's unfortunate that most smell reactions are to not so pleasant smells like garbage and the sewage pipes. Some of my favourite smells though, has to be the smell of fresh rain and the smell of freshly baked bread. I love the smell of Chinatown bakeries.

Sometimes, I like to observe people. I try to guess what they are thinking, where they are going, what they're going to eat for lunch (I'm joking). Early in the day when I'm walking to work, I often wonder what people's occupations are, and where their destinations are. I don't know why I contemplate about such things. I really don't.

I'm like a complex statement. I know I'm a city girl, but there are many city things I cannot tolerate. Smokers, traffic, noise, slow pedestrians, garbage, pigeons.............
I wonder if the things I enjoy about city life outweigh the things I dislike. I think the answer is 70% yes.

These are the little things that K brings to my life. He questions the things I do, my logic (which I know is terribly flawed at times), and is straightforward about things with me. It may have hurt my feelings once or twice, but I realize that I do the same at times. Apparently, there's only yes and no, and right or wrong in my world.

He understands my mind and now I have to learn his. What a task.

Nuit Blanche | Oct.3.09



I didn't really take many photos.

exhausted but happy

I really don't know where the days are going. I've been working for 6 weeks now, but it feels like I just started last week. It also feels like I've done so much the last few weeks.
I've embraced the city for what it offers and I'll take what I can get, because before I know it, I'm going to be back in Waterloo nerding.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and spending some time with some special people!

I also think I'm going to get an asthma attack from this wretched heater of mine...I turned it on and white smoke started spewing. That can't be good.

my favourite time of the day

The transition from dusk till night.
Lights are flickering with a hint of orange in the horizon.
I glance outside and a star is suddenly visible in the city lights.

----

This week went by very fast. I don't even remember what I did at work, but it was a constant stream of things to do. I got to leave the office a few times to do research and attend an open house. It's nice getting out of the office. For the first time, I descended 46 floors of stairs. 20 stairs per floor x 46 floors = 920 stairs. It was for a fire drill at my building. My legs felt like jello after. I woke up today with the sorest calves.

Other than work, life has been good. I finished reading The Catcher in the Rye this week during my lunch hours.
A cute bundle of daisies also sit on my desk. I was thoroughly happy and slightly embarrassed yesterday. I will miss the flowers this weekend. Hopefully they don't die on me too soon.

I'm really happy that I'm discovering new things, and getting to know someone different from my usual group of friends. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm ready for a new challenge.

Anyway, I've wasted this week not working on my research proposal for Oxford. Tomorrow, I'm hitting the library!

P.S. I'm addicted to Melody Gardot. I've been listening to it every other night.

my one and only thrill

I'm normally a 'safe' person. My 'most likely to [become]' in grade 7 was a SAFETY INSTRUCTOR. I play it safe yet I like seeking the thrill of a risk.

I played it safe in high school until I went off to university. It felt like a huge risk to me but I took it anyway for the thrill and for the sake of being different. To this day, I've never regretted my decision.

Another sort of thrill I seek seems to be the physical thrill. This doesn't happen very often but when it does, it's exhilarating. From the drop of a roller coaster to the feeling of another's hands on your body...physical thrills are great. The physical risks we take doesn't make logical sense to me, but it can feel so good. I surprise myself at times with each new risk I take and my mind is consumed for the next few days.

It's all part of the 'growing-up' process...taking these risks. But to what degree do the risks a person takes stop reflecting the person for who they are?

weekend synopsis

The past couple of days felt a little tough.

Friday...the morning was going well and very busy. It wasn't until the afternoon that I found out that I made my first mistake, and it wasn't one caught by myself, but by the lawyer who asked me to pull a by-law on Wednesday. I pulled a relevant by-law but it wasn't the most recent one. All in all, I was pretty upset at my lack of thoroughness. I prided myself in the past for being thorough in my research but this time, I was sloppy and wanted to get this done as soon as possible because I sensed it was urgent. To be fair, his instructions weren't very specific so I had pulled the general one set out back in the 60s. It wasn't until I handed him the by-law that he told me that he wanted me to search for lighting. If I had entered lighting into the online by-law query, I would've pulled up the right one. This week, I'm going to be extra thorough and call people to make sure I'm getting the right information.

After work, I tried to rush home so I can drop off a few things and leave for my date at 6. The walk home was tiresome and involved me crossing Yonge Street back and forth 3 times because of the TIFF. One side of the sidewalk was also closed off for line ups. Hence, shoving all the pedestrians on Yonge Street on one sidewalk, with people going in both directions. It took me 5 minutes longer than usual to get home so I guess it wasn't too bad. I was just surly from my mistake and crowds added to my annoyance.

On the bright side, I went out for my date (first date!) and had a pretty good time. Too bad he had to catch a bus to Guelph. I felt like we could've talked a lot more. Hopefully we're seeing each other again next week. I'm already looking forward to it.

Good mood didn't last too long though, when I received a call from my dad last night. He told me my mom was in the hospital since she's been feverish for a few days and they were doing some tests on her. I'm sad and worried that I can't be there to help take care of her. Still waiting for more news. I really hope things turn out Ok. It's a bit of a sad reminder that as my parents age, they're going to have health problems and my sister and I will have to deal with it emotionally. I'd want to be there to take care of them of course.

Tomorrow, it's back to work. Work has been pretty fast paced but I don't think I'd enjoy the work-a-holic lifestyle in the future. I want to keep work stresses away from my day to day life. Work stays at work...I don't want to bring it home.
Just from working there 2 weeks, I could already feel the stress transpire through me.

Work and living in a busy city has got me second guessing my future live/work situations.

tonight I'm a rock n roll star

It's only been 2 work days since Labour Day and I'm already ready for the weekend. I think it's because I had too much fun last weekend.
Sherry and I were quite the party animals - clubbing twice in one weekend. That I've never done before.
Both nights were quite fun except the second night at CiRCA, there were too many people and people who I have some unkind words for (mainly that Chinese girl who kept stepping on me with her heels).

I have a few things to look forward to as well. Tomorrow - dinner with some friends I met in first year (very excited). Friday - meeting this guy for coffee after work (is it a date? I'll see). Saturday/Sunday - do whatever I want! Monday - I bought a ticket to watch "Wheat", a film in the TIFF.
Additionally, I signed up for a public speaking class that starts end of September. I was originally going to take Spanish but the course was all full. Photography was next on my list but then I felt that I might repeat a lot of what I've learned.

All in all, living and working downtown definitely has its perks.
It's strange though, how one can feel lonely when surrounded by so many people. I'm used to doing things on my own, yet I still crave the company of another.

Why must you be so busy?

ohh the city

Sunday sunset


Today's sunset

Hmm, I really should wipe my windows.

Another perk of working downtown...very good looking men in suits ;)
Too bad it's lacking a photo description.

A disadvantage of working and living downtown...the amount of time I spend waiting and standing in elevators.