I haven't been feeling 100% lately. As much as I'm trying to enjoy summer in Toronto, I miss Vancouver and the lifestyle I once had. I just need to find a place where I can have that balance. There doesn't seem to be anything for me here anymore. I'm sick of the routine. I miss the milder temperatures. I miss home.
There is so much beauty in simplicity. Too often our lives are entangled in planning details and thinking about the future. Too often our lives are governed by logic and self-interest. I had the opportunity to reflect about the wonders of nature. The harmony of all this diversity is beyond incredible. The shape of a lion's snout, a simple yellow flower regarded as a "weed", the playful and nurturing character of a gorilla, a grassy field with a lone yet grand maple. I'm taken back to my days spent in Owen Sound. It was really a simple life. I was very much like the lone maple amidst a field of strangers. I was alone, inexperienced, and naive. I've been through a lot to get to where I am today, and I think that affords me the desire for simpler days.
After being in the City for a while now, I've been stuck with the mindset that the City, with all its conveniences and diverting aspects, is my preferred location. Now I think I've been prejudiced by the work I do. It's important to live and work by one's principles but I'm afraid I've been blinded by the flashing lights, glitz and glamour. Needless to say, working hard to attain one's goals is regarded as necessary by societal standards, and I believe in hard work and commitment. Although I feel quite certain of the path I wish to take, I can't help but wonder what could be. I'm at these crossroads again.
Strange how much a simple yellow flower or a lone maple tree can make me wonder. It was truly enriching to feel connected to nature again. A spark of hope has restored my confidence and feelings in myself.
Le jazz
Jazz tunes wholly fill me up. I love all the different emotions coursing through my body when I'm in a jazz trance. From the slow ballad-like tunes to the upbeat Latin jazz or big band, I always feel so good afterwards. The music evokes certain words to my head, and I wonder if the composer thought of the same words. The pieces with lyrics exude real human experiences, usually love, be it forlorn or content.
Me
I've been feeling a little disconnected from myself. It took a lunch hour big band concert at Nathan Phillips to make me realize that. On my way home from work, I stopped by the stage again, and a great Latin jazz performance brought members of the crowd (mostly older) to their feet. Slightly swaying and toe-tapping, I felt like myself again.
Weekend
I felt restless all weekend (thanks to the G20). I couldn't read my book at my neighbourhood Starbucks (I wish it wasn't a chain). I wasn't able to roam freely around the city without seeing destruction, riot police, and the smell the vinegar. The events of this weekend made me very frustrated. I understand the right to peacefully protest and our freedom of speech in our democratic society. It is a privilege. The acts of vandalism is not a privilege, and it's unfortunate the perpetrators were not brought to justice. I'm just disappointed that the protests and all the arrests took up most of the media space.
Me again
My writing is a bit choppy today. I still haven't recovered from this writer's block. Working in an office really stifles one's creativity. The vocabulary I come across are often planning jargon - designation, provisions, compliance, flood plain, setbacks, permitted uses, etc. I feel as though I'm in this bubble, which is why the lunch hour and after work jazz sessions brought me back to life. Though I'm not writing as fluidly as I would like, I'm learning to write in bits and pieces, from one thought to the next. Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. Sometimes, the words just have to flow naturally, and often with a caffeinated drink. I'm hoping for some breezy, sunny weather so I can bring myself to a bench under a tree at UT and read and collect my thoughts alone.
I'm not even sure if the title of this post makes sense. I've been keeping myself busy, so life has been eventful in that sense. But even though I'm doing all these activities, life still feels uneventful. I feel like I'm not living comfortably, thanks to the old witch I live with. I've put up with her insanity quite well these last few weeks. It's nearly July and summer will pass, even though I don't want it to.
Living in Toronto the second time around is quite different than the fall term. This time, I know what to expect, and nothing is really shiny and new. I've been meeting some new people and doing some really fun things with them. For instance, Luminato was such a fantastic arts festival. Vancouver doesn't have any events that even parallels to the size and sophistication of Luminato. I also did yoga in the middle of Yonge and Dundas Square with my fellow R. It was really super fun.
My mind's really been quite blank lately. I've tried writing, but to no avail. Perhaps I should be reading more, and reflecting upon my experiences. I'll start chronicling my roommate experiences in the next few posts!
I don't need to close my eyes to take myself to another world, my future, ideal world. The reality of that future is achievable, but from my current situation, I feel years and years away from it. It's partly this idealism which drives me. I'm wary of my actions because too often I build up extravagant concoctions about what will happen and those expectations aren't always achieved. I need to learn to take things one step at a time, and not try to take leaps and bounds. I just know I can't turn out like my 40 year old roommate.
This trip really opened my eyes. I've stayed in one place for too long and I know I desire a change - a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of culture, a change of environment. Although I was only in San Francisco for 4 days, I feel like I was able to explore so many places. The city itself was similar to Vancouver, but on a larger scale. If I move my life there, it will be closer to the lifestyle I miss in Vancouver, yet with the cultural and distinct urban environment that I'm looking for. I really hope the next chapter of my life will be in San Francisco.
A few weird days have gone by. I always seem to be going through something a few times a month. I'm exhausted from unhappiness, haunting memories, and not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I've encountered people of all sorts, wonderful, exotic, old flames, and some just plain old...
It's like I'm stuck on a ladder between where I was and where I want to be. I take a few steps up and a few steps down, but I'm always on that ladder. I know I have to go through hurdles to get to where I want to be. Nothing is easy. I need that fighting spirit I once had back. I need the kindle to light my fire. The Nutella to my toast.
I've proved to myself in the past of my abilities. I can once again bring that part of myself out, with or without someone holding my hand.
Just Miami...is all. I miss the beach, the sun, the warmth, the ocean. The crash of the waves, the salt water in my eyes and nose, the taste of S on my lips...I'll pause there.
Back to work I go.
IMMORTAL BELOVED
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
- Ludwig van Beethoven
Who would've thought someone named Ludwig and sometimes a bit mad could write such poetic love letters. I love the last three lines...
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
